`CAESAR' READS LIKE `CLINTON'.(MAIN)

Byline: DAN RATHER

Desperate times require great books.

The ongoing (and ongoing and ongoing) story of President Clinton's inappropriate intimate conduct, his historic impeachment and partisan bickering in Congress have one thing in common: They can really get a guy down.

You're lucky. You can pick up the paper, read until you're disgusted, and put it away. Me, I've got to think about this stuff 24/7.

When you're working round-the-clock, it's hard to find escape. I can barely even get to the movies.

Friends Mary Ann Quisenberry and Betsy Smith have urged me for months to see ``Shakespeare in Love,'' but the kid at the mall slams the multiplex doors in my face and tells me they don't sell tickets at four in the morning. (At this rate, I'll be lucky to see that Charlie Chaplin fellow I keep hearing about.)

At last I turned to the next best thing to ``Shakespeare in Love.'' Namely, Shakespeare himself. Like the movie, he can also be found at the mall, but he stays open all night.

From school days, I remember this: Shakespeare was never a reporter. Here, I might find refuge from the headlines of the day.

What fool this mortal be.

I picked up a drama of dark political intrigue: Some Republicans plot the downfall of a charismatic but flawed leader. They attack him in the Senate, then clash among themselves; the rival party prevails in the end.

Sure, the name of the play is ``Julius Caesar,'' but you could easily rename it ``Bilious Clinton.''

Allow me to share a few stunning parallels between ``Julius Caesar'' and reality.

The Weather. ``Julius Caesar'' has the worst weather of any Shakespeare play I know, including ``The Tempest'' and ``Lear.'' It rains everything but cats in this play. This is supposed to be ominous, the celestial macrocosm reflects the Roman microcosm, yada-yada, but instead it just reminds me of the winter of 1999. Every time I fly, we get snow, sleet and/or electrical storms. Traveler's weather advisory: If I'm traveling, the weather's lousy.

Dick Armey. Well, the Texas congressman isn't really in here. But I read the line this way: ``I am Armey, and dangers are indifferent to me.''

Henry Hyde. Even using poetic license, the leading Republican in the real-life drama can't be described as having ``a lean and hungry look.'' It's wrong to read the line: ``Hyde, thy faces in smiles and affability!''

Heroes and Villains. Scholars debate who the hero of ``Julius Caesar'' is: not Brutus (gullible idealist), not Caesar (arrogant dictator), not Antony (cowardly opportunist -- but speaks well), and not Cinna (because Cinnas are immoral). Our Bilious bestrides the world like a Colossus, but he's never been ``constant as the northern star.'' And although our real-life Republicans tell us they're doing the right thing (``We will shake him, or worse days endure,'' as Cassius says), I fear we'll be debating the morals and motivations of all the principal players in our real-life drama for a long time.

At one point, Caesar says, ``Who is it in the press that calls on me? I hear a tongue, shriller than all the music, cry.'' Well, haven't we in the press been shrill sometimes?

Cassius observes:

``Men at some times are masters of their fates.

The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,

But in ourselves ... ''

Ed Murrow quoted that incessantly. Murrow was right. Shakespeare was right. If the time is out of joint, we have only ourselves to blame.

I still haven't found any interns or Gap dresses anywhere in this play -- more reasons to like Shakespeare.

Read on, Macduff!